The Girls!

Man, I do love working with clients for a second (or third or fourth) time!

I get to really connect with the mums, dig deeper into what makes them (and their labours) "tick", and watch the emergence and transformation of a mother.

I love the postpartum visit, where I always manage to have a tea-party (or, in this case be presented with a wooden mixer and a plate of wooden toast, wooden egg, and a special spoon) laid on by a little sparkling one in a tutu, play a song or two, and hold a crying baby.

It's a wild and wonderful visit with lots of laughter, and tears so close to the surface that you can almost touch them.

I love to see these mums finally understand that their first (typically LONG) labours were just normal for them (and their baby) on that day (no one's fault, no guilt, it was what it was)...and that their second labours were glorious life-affirming gifts. What healing! What depth of understanding comes at this time!

No wonder we're all smiling (all except that wee one!)

- Jacquie Munro - Vancouver Doula

Van"cool"ver?

I was driving home from visiting clients yesterday, and the CBC radio host was talking to a guest, asking if she lived in Van"cool"ver. It made me laugh, but it also made me think about one of my clients had been talking about her experiences at a Mum's Postpartum Drop-in. The women she had described sounded just a little bit to "cool" for a brand new mum to embrace.

I mean...imagine you're a brand new mum...you've made the first trek out after being trapped in your house by the snow for WEEKS. You've been looking forward to this first drop-in mum's group - "Maybe I'll meet some new friends...and we can go out for coffee...our kids can have fun..." You get your baby tucked into her stroller. You dream about how great it could be as you sweat and grunt and push that stroller through the snow and ice.

Then you arrive, feeling pretty good about yourself. It's the first day of the new class... You look around, still unwrapping your scarf from around your face - and you realize that everyone there looks like they know each other. You realize that you're the "new kid".

Inside jokes are flying back and forth. One mum suggests to the group that they all trek over to the North Shore to take in a "Mum and Babe Snowshoe Trip". "They even have a breastfeeding tent!" Another mum turns and asks if you know any new spelt recipes...

Van"cool"ver is right. And now you've lost all the happy expectant energy that you had...

Now, I know that there's a point in the life of a new mum where things have finally fallen into place, and you can happily head over to Cypress and strap on those snowshoes. That's fantastic! But should you (with your seven month old) be in a newborn drop-in class still? Or, if your talk about snowshoeing is masking your inability to cope, and you still really need the support, could you please spend some time including the new mums in your conversation? Those new mums would really appreciate it.

I have to thank my best friend of 25 years for being that stranger, that veteran mum (her daughter was a whole 5 weeks older than mine), who welcomed me with open arms at my first drop-in. She had just watched my daughter throw up ALL over me (I mean, drenched!), and saw the look on my face. She came right over and said, "Would you like to come over to my place for tea and muffins afterwards?" Her invitation made me smile, so I just grabbed a receiving blanket, and mopped up the mess without a bother.

My mum's group got me through many months of struggle. We started out as a diverse bunch of strangers, and then became friends. The veteran mums told me to turn on the fan over the stove - great white noise to help the baby sleep. They helped me negotiate the emotions of those first few months. They'd come over to my house, and we'd sit on the kitchen floor, watch our babies learn to roll over each other, and burst into tears at random points - but it would be okay....better than okay...it would be wonderful. We graduated from the mum's group when it was the right time to go, and organized our own group play-dates for another few years.

So, to the new mums who didn't take notice of that new mum in the corner, didn't notice that she'd been really courageous that day, didn't notice her personal feeling of triumph after making it through the snow to her first mum's group...please say "Hi" to her next time - she's quite amazing! I was her doula, and she was powerful in labour, and is a wonderful mum. She's just not ready for baby snowshoeing or spelt...yet.

On Keeping Tidy

Myth #3297:
"You shouldn't have a home birth because it's too messy!"

One client's mother, a surgeon, was concerned about her daughter's decision to have a home birth because, "I walk around the OR with my boots covered in blood, dear. It would be SUCH a mess!" I asked her if we walk around our houses during our periods with our boots covered in blood. "Well, no," she answered. "That's silly. We wear pads or tampons." After her daughter's home birth, the surgeon Grandma was amazed..."I guess it's the docs that cause the mess!"

Well...labour at home (even when planning a hospital birth) is clean because we are used to keeping clean when we bleed on a monthly basis. Labour is no different. And, for some reason, women seem to lose WAY less blood at home births - a matter of fully functioning hormones, perhaps?

I think of all the clean and tidy home births that I've attended over the years, and compare them to the memories of some messy (read "gory") hospital births that I've seen. Women just don't realize how fun it can be for the doula and midwives to keep a house tidy during a home birth. All the supplies are laid out on a table (basically, like a modern Mary Poppins, the midwives open their bags and bring the hospital to your home) and two large bags (one for garbage, one for laundry - see photo) are at the ready. The woman in labour wears pads, uses the shower or bath to stay clean, and we make sure the bed is double-dressed with good sheets (for a glorious postpartum - see photo) under waterproofing. Within an hour of the birth, the bedroom looks like it does in the second picture.

I make sure that, by the time the woman has finished her post-birth shower, I've provided the "turn-down service," any dirty dishes (from the post-birth lasagna) are in the dishwasher, and any dirty towels or clothes are in the washer. The joyful swish-swish of the dishwasher, and the thrum of the dryer even sound clean. Family members can come for a visit and not believe that a birth took place right in the middle of the living room!

Hospitals can afford to let the birthing rooms get very messy - someone else is going to clean up (though I do try to make sure that things are tidy throughout - I'm a neatnick!) Floors can be sanitized, and sheets are just thrown into the hamper for industrial cleaning. No one gets into trouble for tracking blood/fluids all over, and the placenta just hangs out in a bowl on a table (not fun for visitors!) (Notice that I'm not going to start a discussion about the possibility of infection at the hospital.)

I've attended some rather impromptu home births over the years (a speedy labour with no way to get to the hospital in time), and have managed to keep things together with just one Canadian Tire waterproof blanket (right, Laurel?) Chuck the blanket away and the cleaning is all done!
And, no...you don't have to clean up after yourself! Just one client tried that. We caught her on hands and knees, half an hour after birth, cleaning the tiles in the bathroom, "so the dog won't know I had my baby in here!" She was just supposed to be going to the toilet!!!

So, let your decision to have a home or hospital birth be based on information that matters. Where would you feel the safest? Just do your homework, then know that, if your baby is born at home, all will be tidy, and your bed will await. You will just have to walk to your bed, and climb in - it might even have a chocolate on the pillow!

Listening to your body

Well, it's certainly been an interesting month...I now know how the VGH ER works when you really need it (yes, the triage system works well and I jumped to the front of the line!), how little an IV hurts when you REALLY need it, and how fast you can get appointment with specialists in the BC Medical system when you are considered URGENT. I also know the odd, prickly, clammy, scary feeling that comes from losing too much blood...very interesting (from a professional standpoint), but I don't need to experience it again.

The whole time, my mind stayed in doula mode..."Ah, that's what a good fast IV feels like"..."Interesting - even though you know there's no needle in there, you just don't feel like waving that IV arm around". I was happy to receive such respectful care from the VGH staff (who even turned around my bed to face the wall so I could gain more privacy during an exam, without me asking). And, in the middle of caring for me, one nurse chattering, "Wow! You attend births? I think cesareans should be the way of the future...I'd rather crack open a chest than watch a birth. You're so brave!" I laughed, even though I felt ready to pass out.

And I can still see the smiling face of the ER doctor as he came in and said, "I want you to know that the biopsy was negative for cancer." I almost laughed...I really (amazingly) hadn't considered that to be even a possibility. It was quite funny, honestly.

Interestingly...I presented with such CRAZY high blood pressure (I've NEVER even seen a client with HELLP syndrome have this high BP) that I got 3 nurses at once. Hmmm...probably not something to brag about. So...I'm not pleased with my body this month, and that's an odd thing for me.

I always tell clients that they can trust their body, that we just have to figure out what the body is trying to say. Well, I'm listening and waiting...

Perhaps everyone's right in saying, "Look, you have cared for others for 20 plus years. Now it's time for us to look after you."

So, thanks so much to my docs, Stephanie and Kristin, for telling me to take this month off, and expediting matters so successfully. Thanks to my clients who call to check in, or send text messages that make me laugh. Thanks to my husband (for taking time off work to care for me) and my family (my mum and dad even come and clean for me!)

And that postpartum tip about asking for help? It works! If you just tell people how you really are doing...they will step in and help. It's quite amazing. The struggle for new mums (and now me) is in the acceptance. I think I'm good at acceptance now.

So, to all my current clients due in the next few months...we'll just have to see how my appointment goes next week, and then I'll be giving you a call (surgery may await!) My daughter, Sarah, and I might be doing tag-team birthing for a while. But, I'm always here, ready to listen and help guide you through your pregnancy (this hasn't affected my mouth or ears!)

Okay, body...I'm listening...

The curse of the efficient woman

I always encourage clients to send me a blog post after their birth. Here's a post that I asked dear Kate to write after she told me about one day in her "life as a new mum". I'll be writing more about her amazing home birth (and the string of amazing home births I've attended) recently....as soon as I've had some sleep...

"This is for all the women who are doing very well... you know the kind - maybe you are one. One whose families are wondering, why does she keep calling her doula every two days? Surely a doula is just necessary for the labour part. Maybe even your husband, who was over the moon at having a doula present at birth, is a little skeptical:

"You like calling Jacquie, don't you?"
"I do! And she says we can call as much as we like anyway!"
"I guess she hopes that it tapers off after awhile, even though she says she's ours forever."
"Well she doesn't expect it to taper off THIS quickly!"

My father's partner calls this "the curse of the efficient woman".

I admit it, I'm doing well. My labour was short (so short, we didn't make it to the hospital - hurray for homebirths!), my stitches have healed, my breasts don't hurt, and we get some sleep every night. My baby is gaining weight and generally seems happy. Now he is five weeks old, and I made it out to stroller fit yesterday. Today,with Sacha happily sleeping in his baby wrap, I cleaned the garlic we've grown in our garden and made a fresh batch of granola, all before noon - perhaps I am an efficient woman. But even we have 24 hour periods like the one I'm going to tell you about, when Sacha was just 3 weeks old...

Nana, my mother-in-law, was visiting, and we decided to head out to Langley to pick up some berries. While we were there, I figured I ought to have lunch with my baby sister, still just 19, who lives there with her mother (who is not my mother). Anyhow, my sister has a stepsister, also 19, who had a baby 4 days after mine. I have worked hard to avoid jealousy over the fact that my own baby sister has another nephew to adore just when I have provided one for her... So when, during lunch, my sister holds Sacha the entire time, but talks steadily the ENTIRE time about the OTHER baby, I do my best to smile and encourage. After all, a teenage mum needs support, and I should be glad my sister is helping out so much. When we were sitting in the restaurant after my sister leaves, Nana takes Sacha and says to him, "Well, Baby X sure is a perfect baby, isn't he?". I laugh, relieved that I'm not crazy. And after all, I am doing well... so I still have a sense of humour.

Later the same day, Sacha, Nana and I are on our way home... Unfortunately, we overshoot feeding time by about 15 minutes. The last bit of the drive home is a combination of wild, distraught screaming from Sacha, punctuated by eerie minutes of silence in which I become terrified that he has screamed himself out of air... But, we make it home and he gets fed. I laugh, relieved that I can so easily meet my baby's needs. I am doing well...

Midnight that night, disaster strikes. I have fed Sacha, and burped him. When I lay him down right after a feed, he gets the hiccups, starts to cry, and things go downhill from there. So I am in bed, slighltly propped up, with him on my chest. Have I mentioned my son is strong? Somehow, while I am semi-dozing, he pushes up, rolls to the side...and right off me onto the floor. I jump up with a shriek, pluck my beautiful baby off the hardwood floor, and lay him on the bed to examine... he hasn't even woken up... his eyes open as and he sees me above him, talking hysterically to his father about whether he is concussed, whether we need to take him in to the hospital. Meanwhile, Nana runs into our room having heard the fuss... there I am half naked sobbing "I d-d-d-d-ropped him on the fl-fl-fl-floor..." We all notice that my nursing pillow is on the floor right where he landed.. Everyone concludes that he landed on the pillow. And, well, babies get dropped (I got dropped 3 times on my head according to family lore). I laugh, relieved that Sacha is ok, there are no bumps and bruises. Nana goes back to bed. But I am officially NOT doing well...

"Aren't you mad at me?" I ask my husband, still sobbing.
"Of course not. You didn't mean to, and he's perfectly fine!! "
"But if you'd done it, I'd be FURIOUS!!"

I cry some more over my own double standards... Eventually, my husband suggests that I take the baby downstairs for a cuddle so I can work out all my guilt. I follow his advice, and an hour later I manage to put the baby in the bassinet and throw myself back into bed for a few hours of desperately needed sleep.

The next morning, I am feeling fragile. But having been reassured by my husband, mother, and mother in law that I am still a trustworthy mother, I venture out. With the baby, the dog, and Nana, we walk to the grocery store. We get groceries (stored nicely in the stroller, while baby snuggles in a sling). I have overshot feeding time again, and since I'm not about to subject any of us to a long bout of crying at this point, we stop at an off-leash park. The dog runs after sticks while I feed Sacha. Suddenly, my friendly, bouncy lab-cross who still looks like a puppy at nearly 3 years old, starts barking and running towards somebody across the playing field behind us. I jump up, babe in arms, shirt half off, receiving blankets flying, and see that Nellie is headed toward a mother and daughter across the field. Now, I know my dog is all bark and no bite. But, THEY don't. They see a large, black dog tearing towards them. Unfortunately, the mother seems to have no sense of how to react to a dog, and starts screaming. Not just a yelp - repeated, high pitched, terrified shrieking. The daughter follows suit, and just to add to the effect, they both start running in circles. Nellie thinks this could be a fabulous game, and keeps on charging towards them. They keep shrieking and running in circles. I start to wonder how this is going to end as I'm yelling "SHE'S FRIENDLY, JUST STOP SCREAMING. PLEASE!!!!!!!!! STOP SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!". I alternate this with yelling at Nellie to come back. After a few crazy seconds that felt like minutes, Nellie comes prancing back, very proud of her efforts, and the mother and daughter aren't shrieking, but the mother is yelling at me from across the field, accusing me of having a vicious dog off leash (in an off leash park, of course). By this point, I am shaking, the baby is crying, and Nana is trying to pull the pieces together. We put Sacha in the stroller with the groceries, get Nellie on her leash, and make a beeline out of the park (as fast as we can considering Nana has recently finished a course of chemo, and I still have stitches on the mend.) I laugh, glad that Nellie didn't reveal any new aggressive tendencies, but there is more than a little hysteria in my voice. I'm not convinced that I'm doing so well...

We make it home. I go to use the washroom and see that I have acquired a blotchy rash all over my neck and face. Nice touch. Nana suggests that it might be stress related, takes the baby, and sends me for a nap. An hour of solitary sleep and a tearful phone call with my own mother later, and I feel like I could possibly soon be doing well again.

So, for all of you who generally do well, and maybe don't feel like the roller coaster ride of early motherhood is quite as crazy-making for you - don't fall prey to the curse of the efficient woman -- let everyone know that you need just as much TLC, and make those phone calls to your doula!" - Kate, mum of Sacha James (and Nellie the dog)

Okay...so here’s an excuse to buy new bedding

When a single friend calls to say that she’s had “quite the night!” it can mean many things. But, when a client calls me post-baby...well, it means something completely different.

So, a client called to tell me that they’d had “quite the night!” She said that they had kept the night-time as low-key as possible. “Just like you said, Jacquie...lights out...no eye contact with the baby (Ed. note: If she sees you looking at her, then it’s party time!)...making sleep sounds during feedings...not waking a sleeping baby, diaper changing before the feed if needed, etc. etc.”

“Things were going quite well. Then, at 4am, I felt like one breast must have leaked all over the baby during the feed. In the dark, I used my hand and a cloth to wipe it up, then curled up with her and fell asleep.”

“Just after 6am, we all woke up, the sunshine streaming through the thin curtains, illuminating the bedroom scene...of poopy chaos!!!”

“My husband said if the room had been filmed in black and white, it could have passed as a scene of carnage!” she laughed, as she was telling me the story over the phone. “There was baby poop EVERYWHERE! It was smeared all over my face, my nightie, his hair, the baby’s hair...just everywhere! In our sleep, we’d rubbed it all over the sheets. too. I’d taken off her diaper, but not put another one on!!”

“We could have cried. But, we just sat there in bed, laughing. Because we remembered that you’d told us a similar story of another couple doing this...and using it as a good excuse to buy fancy sheets. So, we threw everything into the garbage (Editors note: I know, I know... this isn’t an eco-friendly story) and got into a bath together - all three of us. It was quite wonderful.”

Love it!

Phone calls to a doula

To all pregnant clients...here’s a “head’s up”. Some time after the baby’s born...you will make this phone call. The wording and timing may vary, but the questions will be essentially the same.

“I’ve got this pile of books here. One says to get the baby on a schedule, another says to feed on demand. But what does “demand” mean? What if the baby comes off after 10 minutes. Is that a feed? When do I change the baby? Before, after, or in the middle of a feed? Am I wrong to want to grab my baby away from visitors? You know, they’ve come all this way, and brought presents, but I just want to hide...”

We’ll probably spend up to an hour on this particular phone call. We’ll laugh together...we might cry together...then you’ll hang up the phone floating on air. Why? Because you will have been reminded of your infinite strength, your inner wisdom, and your ability to trust your body and your baby.

My role during the postpartum period is to help you tap into the same basic instinct that took you so beautifully through labour. Let’s assume, like most of my clients, you birthed without any disturbance, and everything was straight-forward. So, there shouldn’t be any major challenges to overcome (i.e. no latch problems caused by narcotics or aggressive suctioning, etc.) So, I will just have to remind you of your power that you drew on in labour, and remind you to continue trusting your body.

And, with the baby on the outside, you will trust her to teach you wisely and gently. You will be still and calm and hold her close always, in order to hear what she needs to teach you.

Just know that you will find it pretty freaky when she give you a withering look at midnight, as you’re changing her. It’s a look that will seem to say, “Oh, no, you really don’t know what you’re doing.” But then the look will be gone, and she will roll with whatever you’re doing, or cry and tell you a few stories. But she won’t hold a grudge. She’ll be amazingly forgiving.

And you’ll soon discover that changing her before a feed will save a lot of clean up time...because if you jostle her and change her AFTER a feed, she might easily throw up all over you and her new jammies. Then, she’ll be wide awake...and need another feeding...and the doorbell will ring...(don’t answer!)

And you’ll soon discover that zips and buttons and snaps can make you feel TOTALLY incompetent, so you’ll just buy those bag nighties with the envelope neck. Pull up the nightie, change the diaper, pull the nightie down. All done!

And you’ll also discover that a newborn baby is kind of like a 15 year old boy. “Hey, mum, I’m just going out to grab a bite.” “But, you just ate an hour ago!” “Yeah, great dinner, mum. Thanks! But I need a pizza.” No, you didn’t do a bad job as a mum. He’s just growing like a weed! Same deal with a newborn. Cluster feeds, marathon feeds, feeding every hour....whatever happens, it’s normal. Trust the baby to know what she needs - she won’t overdo it. And miraculously, she’ll morph into a more predictable creature at some point after 6 weeks.

Thinking about dinner...I like to think of the breasts like...Side A is dinner...Side B is dessert. Sometimes you want dinner without dessert. Sometimes you want a break before you eat dessert. Sometimes you go straight from dinner to two helpings of chocolate mousse. Whatever happens, it’s normal. You know, just like those nights when you have dinner (great dinner, right?) then have dessert...then want popcorn at the movies...oh, and some nibs, and a big drink. Then the next day you might just want salad. Do you analyze it to death? Do you need to read a book to see if you’re normal? No, it is what it is.

And that’s what life is like with a new baby. If you just roll with it and trust your body and your baby to figure each other out, it will work out fine. If you need a few pep talk phone calls along the way...then you’ll be just like every other mum.

“So, oh...before you go...I have to remind you to...
...lock the door to visitors who just want to hold the baby (and not vacuum)...
...turn all the clocks around, especially at night...
...sing out loud...
...and be easy on yourself...”

- Jacquie Munro Vancouver Doula

The Baby is Breastfeeding - Not the Mother

Hot off the press! In the March 2008 issue of Birth, check out the article "The Baby is Breastfeeding - Not the Mother" by Dr. Lennart Righard. The ending sums it up:

"In natural birth the woman is moving around in upright positions trying to find the most comfortable position and turning to herself to find her own inner strength. Such a woman is not so easy to control! She follows her own impulses and intuitions and her own body’s signals. She relies on nature. The same is valid for breastfeeding. The mother does not know how much her baby is eating, she has to rely on nature. This is the secret of success in the triad of reproduction (coitus, giving birth, and feeding from the breast): rely on nature, relax and let go, and you will be amply rewarded."

Then, take some time to view the WHO/UNICEF Breast Crawl video. Perhaps we all need reminding that instincts work! - Jacquie Munro, Vancouver Doula

Meet Carly

As a doula, I am invited into the homes of so many wonderful and creative people. This past year's client list has included an amazing collection of writers, artists, counsellors, dancers, environmental crusaders, yoga instructors, entrepreneurs (and lots of lawyers.)

I love watching my clients' postpartum transformations, as they find ways to reconcile mothering with their "pre-baby" careers. Many former clients become consultants or start new businesses, and others strike out in entirely new directions. I support and applaud their efforts to find balance in their lives.

One such former client is Carly Fleming. She has recently branched out on a career path that I believe will fill a gap in perinatal services in Vancouver. I encourage you to call her if you feel in need of expert counselling assistance during the childbearing year - and beyond.

Carly provides pre-conception, prenatal, and postpartum counselling to women and men who need some additional support as they travel through their childbearing journey. Her services are aimed at individuals who are having difficulties coping or adjusting to pregnancy and parenthood or who are experiencing emotions that are preventing them from moving forward in a productive and fulfilled way.

She offers clients the choice of having her come to their home to conduct the counselling session or meeting with them in a private counselling office (locations are Kits and downtown).

Keep her contact info handy:
Carly Fleming, M.Ed., RCC
Prenatal and Postpartum Counselling
604-808-9587
carly.fleming@gmail.com
www.carlyfleming.ca

From the desk of Jacquie's daughter...

Two years ago I decided to make a drastic lifestyle change. I had spent the past six years depending on a common prescription drug. I began taking it daily at 16, not realizing the global impact it would have on my health. There were months where I felt numb, as though my hormones were sealed off. It made me feel disconnected from my body, my rhythms, and normal emotions. Every girl I knew in university depended on the same drug. Fifty years ago, we would have been revolutionary feminists, taking control of our bodies and reproductive choices. But I felt like my body was out of control – a sensory-deprivation chamber.

The pill is an odd thing. It comes in packaging of different shapes and sizes, but mine were in round packets with pills in three colours. Popping one out each night at 10 pm felt like a grotesque simulation of a Christmas ritual – opening the door to an advent calendar and eating the chocolate within. The only complaint I ever heard from other girls was how annoying it was having to remember to take the pill every day. Some spoke of how they wanted to switch to the patch or take a shot, or even have their periods disappear completely.

While dating in university, I remembered my mum telling me as a kid that the pill can inhibit and alter one’s normal sex hormones, suppressing sexual interest and responses. I wondered if my pheromone responses were messed up and if I’d ever been attracted to the right guys.

Then, I had a moment of reckoning. After Christmas, two years ago, finished with both the advent calendar and my packet of pills, I asked my doctor if there were any reliable alternatives for contraception that wouldn’t impact my hormones. When I she told me about copper IUD’s, my first thoughts were of medieval torture gadgets and pelvic inflammatory disorder. My doctor assured me that this wasn’t the 70’s anymore, all the women in her office used them, and she had used IUD’s herself for over 20 years.

“So, what’s the catch?” I asked.

“There is none.”

This seemed ridiculous. I felt completely betrayed. None of my previous doctors had mentioned IUD’s before – why weren’t they throwing these things at women like party favours?

“They’re just not a hot consumer item because prescription drug companies don’t make any money off of them compared to the pill.”

Then I looked at the statistics: Less than 1.5% of Canadian women aged 15-45 use IUD’s. The failure rate is very low - between 0.09 and 0.25 % - even less than the pill. It's slim, tiny, and undetectable. I paid only $90 for mine, which I think was partially covered by my extended medical plan, and it stays in for 5 years. There are no hormone imbalances, no alarms going off every night at 10 pm, no increased risks of cancer, etc., although it's best not to use an IUD unless in a monogamous relationship - it makes it riskier to catch STD's. Most care providers don't have up-to-date information on IUD's or know how to insert them - another reason why they are so uncommon. There isn't just a huge consumer influence on the public to use the pill, care providers are pushed in that direction as well.

Yes, it in hurt like hell for a minute when the doctor put it in – but that was it, one minute – and yes, I had strong period cramps for a few months. But knowing that I was drug-free, I was myself, and that my body was normal again, was amazing. Plus, I was sticking it to the pharmaceutical companies! My period is like clockwork and when we one day decide to get pregnant, out it comes at the doctor’s office and we can start trying right away.

It's sad to realize that I never really knew myself, my body, during those 6 years. But now I know that when I explode into tears, or want to curl up in a nest, it's just because I'll have my period in two days, and not because of the side effects of the pill. I feel like I'll be more in tune with the changes of pregnancy, when I'm there one day. - Sarah Munro

(photo: "Flying IUD" sculpture, University of California, Santa Cruz)

(Note from Jacquie: I asked Sarah to write a post on IUDs because, in all my years as a doula, I can only remember one client who had used an IUD prior to a first baby. Most women aren't told the real story about IUDs - that they are a safe choice for many women to consider, that they can be fitted prior to childbearing, that they can be used safely while breastfeeding, that the copper IUDs keep your body clean of BCP hormones...that they are about living autonomously. Check out more info online, including contraindications.)

"Meet your new brother..."

I just melted when I saw this photo of a client with her two sons. It brings back memories of her youngest son's birth, at home, in the heat of a summer night, the fan blowing hot air around the room, the cool sound of the water in the tub, the midwife fanning herself, the speed with which this little one came... I believe the birth was everything that they could have hoped for. Complete joy.

But, what this photo also brings to mind are the many phone calls and emails I receive from clients who have just had their second baby...whose births were so beautiful, but are now reeling from how busy life has become, how challenging it is to manage two children, how guilty they feel at giving less than 100% to their firstborn child, how it tears at their hearts when their firstborn just wants grandma or daddy, "NOT mummy!"

They ask me if they're the only one who is feeling torn between the love for their firstborn, and the awe that they have for their new baby. They are missing their partners, who invariably have to go to work. They are wondering how they can cope when grandma leaves. They can't remember what seemed so engaging about newborns. This new baby doesn't seem as entertaining as his older sister, who, at age four, is dramatic and articulate (certainly VERY articulate about "how life would be much better without that baby") and fun...and so very confused about this new life.

These clients ask when life will return "to normal." It won't. A "new normal" will gradually emerge. Grafting a new limb onto a strong and vigorous tree takes time. It will happen, but slowly, and definitely with some challenges. And at some later date, after the postpartum fog has cleared, clients call me and say: "Before, we were a couple with a child...now, we are a family."

Just know this...when you're in the fog of postpartum and you see another mum out on a walk, laughing while carrying her two babies - you're just looking at a moment of her day. What you don't see are her tears when the door closes behind her, or her midnight fears, or that she got home from that walk and called me, and said, "I was carrying both girls in slings because Lola wouldn't sleep and Addie wanted to pretend she was a baby, and I just wanted to cry. Then, I saw a woman, pushing a sleeping baby in a stroller, with an older child holding on, and wished I was her. I laughed at how I must look to her - how she would admire my chutzpah at carrying the girls. She wasn't seeing the truth of it."

The transition from one child to two is different for every family. It depends on the age difference, the childrens' temperaments, family dynamics, and so many other things. Draw strength from other new mums with two babes during this time, and don't forget to call me. I'll connect you with someone close by who's sharing a similar journey.

- Jacquie Munro, Vancouver Doula

Tandem "Sling Girls"

My clients are so creative! Here's a recent comment from a wonderful two-time client:

"I loved reading your most recent blog entry. I haven't used a stroller in months (actually a couple of times, but just to carry the shopping bags, so that doesn't count) and use slings instead. Hannah even naps in it when we are out. Happier baby, happier mummy. I think every new mother should be given a sling (or some other carrier) when she gives birth!"

The Pact...or how to keep your family environmental footprint small

Most clients know that I like to do without too much “stuff”...evidenced by our gradual downsizing, leading to our ultimate purchase of a small loft in Vancouver. Our internal and external spaces are now filled with what we do, not what we have.

This shift wasn’t just driven by our need to find a personal solution to the environmental challenge on our planet. It is the continuation of a parenting plan that was born on the tidal flats of Point Roberts in 1982 - before our first was born, and long before the words “environmental footprint” or “sustainability” were commonplace.

My husband and I walked in the howling wind, hoods pulled up around our faces, wearing our matching blue Goretex jackets. We faced each other, put our hoods together, and looked like a full-sized Rorschach test. There, we made a pact that the people in our immediate family had to come first - before things, before jobs. We’d make what we could, keep things simple, and remember that we were our children’s first teachers. We would teach them by example. In the 1980’s, an era full of big ideas, splashy consumerism, wide shoulder pads and the dawn of huge “toys” (both for kids and adults), this was a step away from the norm.

It was a challenge to go against the flow, to avoid the hoops that society expected us to jump through... but, we did it. I think (I hope) our kids are better off as a result. (They are, most certainly, better recyclers than we were!)

Today, I like to think that it’s getting just a little bit easier to follow the path towards sustainability. Sure, there are people who will try to get you to fall for their product placement, to “buy, buy, buy” what they say you must in order to be a good consumer. But, there are an increasing number of people convinced that more is not better, bigger is not better, and that the environment must be our overriding concern.

So, here’s a list of some “stuff” that will help you on your path towards a more sustainable family life:

Your Body is Free

1. Your Lap - Not only warm, it makes a great portable changing table, a non-slip holder for the baby in the family bath, and a bounce-machine for a fussy baby. No batteries needed.
2. Your Chest - Provides a self-regulating temperature sleep space, complete with built-in tic-toc white noise for the baby who won’t sleep easily.
3. Your Arms - with a little help from all the “new age but old as time” baby wearing gear, your baby can view the world from an adult perspective. Buy local and check out Cheeky Monkey for a wide range. Remember, in time, most parents discover that strollers are for the groceries and that the kids just want to be carried.
4. Your Legs - Leave the car at home, then walk or ride bikes everywhere. With Car2Go and the Modo in Vancouver, you can even do without having a car of your own. Think of keeping your environmental footprint small - live, work and play in a small geographic area. Buy an e-bike, a bike carrier or baby trailer on Craigslist (if you're lucky!). Vancouver’s bike routes are fantastic.
5. Your Brain - Fill up with your maximum weekly allowed books for all the family at the library. Challenge your mind, think outside the box by going to a new shelf each week. Share these ideas with your newborn. Remember that in the first 18 months, the baby’s brain is still in a remarkable growth period. Feed the brain!
6. Your Voice - Singing, talking, whispering, reading aloud from the newpaper... Whatever you do, just TALK! This is a priceless gift that you can give your children. Studies have shown that talking to infants enriches their brain development, their ability to learn, and their power in using language.
7. Your Breasts - When the placenta goes, the breasts picks up the slack, and are fully capable of sustaining the wee one for years. The benefits are immeasurable!

Some Good Stuff (not all free, but at least worth it!)

1. gDiapers - These flushable diapers were the first Consumer Packaged Good to earn Cradle to Cradle certification by the sustainability gurus at MBDC. Available over the internet and, finally, at Whole Foods in Canada (yes, you have to use too much gas to drive to their Park Royal store.)
2. Hook-on Chair - Remember that kids don’t know that they’re kids - they see themselves as a full and equal member of the family. So, let them share the table with you (at home, at friends houses, at a campsite, or in a restaurant) and you’ll never need a high chair. These can cost as little as $20. And while you’re at it, consider baby-led weaning.
3. The Corner Cupboard - Remember loving that corner cupboard with the lazy-Susan filled with Tupperware when you were a kid? I lived in the skinny cupboard between the oven and the fridge. Boy, was it cozy and warm! The kitchen, if made safe and kid-friendly, can be the best exploration zone, from Tupperware becoming shakers and building blocks, to cornstarch and water becoming fun ooze. I taught my son to write by moving his hand through flour on a tray. Being a tactile learner, he caught on faster than if we’d used a paper and pencil. Remember, the possibilities are only limited by your imagination.
4. Handmade Puppets - what a way to explore role-playing at an early age! When a younger sibling arrives, the first born can safely share feelings with a monkey puppet. Buy B.C. if possible...check out places like Natural Pod.
5. The Outdoors - Cheaper than anything in Vancouver - the ocean, the forest, the parks, the beach. There’s nothing better on a Fall weekend than leaf-pile jumping at Jericho. And, if you have a boy...remember the "let boys run for 4 hours a day" rule!

The Jars (or how to get through real life smoothly)

1. The To-Do Jar - introducing The Jar Concept! Since you should only do “one thing” a day with wee ones, burn your lists and write down any tasks on slips of paper and place them in a jar. Stick your hand in the Job Jar each morning and see what you (or your partner) can do. You have the right to decide if you don’t want to do this task! Just stick in your hand, and draw out another task! You can even make postpartum visitors draw out a task whenever they visit (mums don’t need to do anything for, oh, say, 6 weeks after giving birth - let everyone else do the work.) Lists will become a thing of the past, and you’ll be free to go through life more naturally - without time constraints or artificial deadlines. Your kids will thank you!
2. The Fun Jar - This one is great - a jar filled with fun family ideas and activities. For example, when the Georgia Straight comes out each week, you can check the family section for fun and free activities, cut out each one, then draw them out at will! You can expand this to include a magical mystery tour to Iona Island to watch the planes landing, a hike or bike ride in Pacific Spirit Park, tobogganing at Cypress...unlimited fun! Make sure one activity per week is saved for the entire mum’s group.

Back to the Beach
When my husband and I made our pact on the beach 25 years ago, it would have been seen as just a bit flakey. Now it’s seen as just another part of the West Coast family-focused environmental revolution.

For twenty years, clients have called me long after their babies are in school, just to check in with me, another mum (now grandma) who’s “gone before”. We sometimes talk for over an hour. Just like I did during their labours, I try to teach by example. They, in turn, teach me more. They tell me that they’ve discovered that babies and children just want love, how the body is free, how almost-free “stuff” is somehow a greater gift to give our children than expensive “stuff”. They tell me that once you get the hang of it, thinking outside the box becomes easier.

And I tell them that the challenge is to keep it up as your children’s worlds grow - as they meet new people, as they enter school. By then, you might be thinking about home schooling, co-op child care, working from home, flexible work schedules, community gardening... Just do what you can. The path is challenging, but worth it.

- Jacquie Munro, Vancouver Doula

Lessons from a Happy Flying Baby (Advanced Level)

Did I tell you that I think that labour lasts as long as you need to learn all the lessons required for this particular child? There’s perhaps a little extra time added to work through some particularly tricky past life experiences. The baby’s personality has a lot to do with this...

One of the family doctors I know, said that all three of her boys had labours to fit their personalities. One came flying so fast that his cord broke. And that’s how he goes through life - flying headlong into things (both physically and emotionally). Another son takes his time, considers all his options, then considers them some more. As a result, his labour took a long, long time.

My daughter is strong, powerful, never wanting to follow the crowd. When I was in labour, her head was trying to forge a new, totally different path - out my hip. Later, her high school math teacher said that she would pound away at a problem for a long time, only to later discover that if she just turned the equation around, the answer was there - and simple. That sounded just like her labour, since she eventually tilted her head, and came easily.

It’s interesting, but my clients who have the quickest births often have the hardest time adjusting to parenthood. They often tell me that they just can’t figure out their baby. In a 15-minute labour, there’s not much time to learn the lessons that you need to parent this child.

So, be thankful if you have a long, gradual labour. There are many benefits to the lessons learned during this time - lessons that you will draw upon for a lifetime. You might even begin to understand that labour and birth is something that’s out of your hands, and that's okay. When things are slow, it's not "your fault." It might just be your baby speaking to you through your body...

So, listen. - Jacquie Munro, Vancouver Doula

Spread Passion - Watch TED

My clients often ask what they can do to prepare for parenthood. My favourite suggestion is to take time each day for a walk in the woods, or on the beach. It forces us to slow down, and appreciate life just a little bit more.

Once you have a newborn, time slows right down. You can sit and look at each other for hours, and wonder where the day went. You watch the baby scan the edges of your face, fascinated by the interplay of light and dark...

Once you have a toddler, you share the passions of childhood, the multitude of experiences in a single step, the joys of a pile of leaves or a puddle...

Then, as the children grow, parents can get lost in the day-to-day schedule, and discover that, somewhere along the way, those feelings of awe and passion have slipped through their fingers. But...

I've found a place where you can reconnect with people who have retained their passion for life - in many diverse disciplines and areas of study, exploration, business and research. Each speaker can spur a day's conversation, and make you feel recharged. So, check out the TED talks.

Watch it - don't go overboard - it's like finding a link to all the best people that Peter Gzowski ever interviewed on his Morningside show on the CBC!

As a starting point...check out Carl Honore (Feb. 28, 2007) talking about slowing down, and Sir Ken Robinson (June 27, 2006) talking about creativity. The talks are powerful and life-affirming...especially if you view a talk together, then head out for a walk on the beach with your partner. Just the right sort of preparation for parenthood! - Jacquie Munro, Vancouver Doula

George, Entropy (and the Second Law of Thermodynamics)

I always say that we can only hope for the best on the day of labour - that the baby is the wonderful and unpredictable 'wildcard.' So, we must trust our body and our baby to give us strong clues about what needs to happen, then make the best choices on that particular day, with the support of those around us...

Here’s George, introduced by his mother:
“George was born Feb 16th - I had the induced labour that didn’t progress well and a cesarean - and he turned out to be 11 pounds! Remember us? These women who labour in the park, cooking turkey dinners...well, humbug. Not at all how mine went, although it was totally great in its own way.”

Here’s my memory:
Okay, what I remember was a mum, close to 2 weeks overdue, whose contractions were like a jackhammer in concrete. They never let up! When I arrived at her home, she was leaning over the bathroom sink, dealing with one contraction after another. Though she was coping, these contractions were a strong message from her body, saying, “There’s something really big in here that I’m working hard to get out!” She needed help fast. When we arrived at the hospital, the nurse measured her tummy, and looked up at me with one eyebrow raised. This was one big baby! The contractions weren’t slowing down, and there’d been hardly any progress. It seemed to take forever, but the staff grabbed an epidural out of the toolbox (finally!), after which mum said, “I haven’t felt this comfortable in months!” When the option of a cesarean was presented after many hours of labour with no progress, and the baby’s head up high in the pelvis (another sign from the body), everyone came to the conclusion that a cesarean was the pragmatic option of the day. Rather than seeing this as a negative option, I saw this as a way to honour the body, and the baby’s personality - powerful, strong, spirited...

Back to George’s mum:
“Spirited is one word for it, original source of entropy in the universe is another. It is a great way to be, in life, I could use more of it myself...
So, George is 8 months old now. I think it has been fairly smooth sailing. He nursed well from the beginning. He never did get colicky, and has been very good natured all along, but it took us 6 months to get a daily routine with naps and feedings, and more than 2 hours between nursing, so I was feeling a little stir crazy for a couple of months there.

Anyway here we are. He’s still good natured most of the time, but not placid, really active. He's been crawling since 7.5 months, now pulling up to stand on anything taller than his knees. He is never, ever still - won't sit in your lap.

He used to enjoy diaper changes, because he used to love lying on his back and kicking and waving, and at 3 months he'd kick and wave for up to 20 minutes at a time! Now, though, he's the boy who's never still. He practically flies through the air. I often have to actually pin him to the floor with my feet on his shoulders to change a diaper, and it's really frustrating.

He's removed two doorstops (I had to remove the rest), the cap from the toilet bolts, and the cap from a childproof bottle of vitamins. He's working really hard on climbing the stairs and opening the closets. No trips to Emergency yet, but I think it is in our future.

We don't want to totally childproof the living area (there is a totally childproof area upstairs) - we'd rather have him learn that some things are out of bounds. But I get tired of redirecting him away from the lamp cords over and over again. He doesn't get that he shouldn't be chewing them, and I don't think he's developmentally capable of restraining his impulses. Any ideas?

Today he finally figured out how to use a straw, slurping up big mouthfuls of my club soda and letting most of it pour right out his mouth again. He generally finds that a fun trick. He'll take a cup, slosh in a big mouthful and spit most of it out through a big grin. I don't give him juice or we'd be really sticky.

He and the cat never quite worked out their relationship. George loved Lily, but Lily didn't love George. I had always assumed that a cat would just avoid the baby. Well, not Lily. If anything she would taunt him, coming up to the other side of the baby gate, just within reach, then swatting him if he reached out to her. Once he started crawling, she would stand her ground and swat at him when he grabbed for her, so I was having to supervise them both, keeping two mobile organisms away from each other. Finally, she went to live in a cabin in the woods somewhere in Squamish. Apparently Lily is having a fabulous time with no babies, and a big wild world.

So, in some ways it's easier than I ever thought, because I had quite an easy baby, especially for a newborn. In other ways, it's harder; I thought there would be some pattern to the days that would emerge, or that I could try to impose, much earlier than it turned out. I thought naps would be longer, and I'd be able to get more done. Next time, if I should be so lucky, I will be better prepared! I will have a postpartum doula, and a big stash of Clif bars, and I'll be good to go.

Now, I'd better get some sleep!”

Thanks to George's mum for being so wonderful and open and honest about the realities of labour and motherhood. If we laugh at any of the descriptions, it is only because we see a little bit of ourselves or our children in the images. The details are unique, but the struggles are universal!

Old and New Collide

Screeching into the 21st century, I've started listening to podcasts. My favourites so far (apart from the CBC, and BBC Comedies/Quiz Shows) are the downloads from the health segments on BBC Woman's Hour. Just the name reminds me of being a little girl, rolling out playdough, my mum listening to the radio. It's rather soothing. But the information is current, and the discussions are compelling. I always feel the need to dash home to my computer, tear off my iPod, and google away to discover more on each topic.

It's just the stimulus needed when you have a new baby in the house. Something to make you feel all "adult" again. I hope you enjoy these podcasts!

p.s. Please remember that the British Medical system is quite different from ours, with different protocols, recommendations, etc. Please listen these podcasts from a social and cultural perspective.

Into Dad's Hands

Dad caught the baby...then mum writes...

"...I haven't called as there have been no questions, no stress, no concerns. It has been unbelievable. I was prepared for chaos and tears and frustration and there hasn't been any. Just lots of quiet time getting to know one another, long walks in the neighbourhood in the early evening and tons of smiles. I still have moments where I have to pinch myself when I look at him, he just seems so unbelievably perfect to us.

I want to thank you so much for being there with us during his birth. There were many times throughout the experience when I was so relieved to have you there with us. It was an enormous comfort. You had the words I was looking to hear and I thank you for them. I was very lucky to have had my path cross with yours. I know we will have another opportunity to work with you again in the future and I look forward to it!" - Cohen's mum

"Tears and Rain"

Okay, I’m going to share some secrets about what goes on behind closed doors. Before pregnancy, no one tells women that there are going to be a lot of tears. All they see are the groups of shining skinny women pushing strollers (complete with a sleeping baby) along 4th Avenue, Starbucks cup in hand, laughing. What they don’t see is the anxiety, the tears, the loneliness, and the loss that women can experience as a result of this enormous change in their lives.

I’m glad pregnancy is nine months long. It takes that long to work through the issues that crop up...family boundaries, financial pressures, relationship issues, old wounds, loss of mobility, body image, career choices, birth worries... Women look to their baby’s birth as the end of the process, only to find out that it’s just the beginning. Then all the same issues resurface, in addition to a general sense of loss and loneliness...oh, and a crying baby.

Then I get the phone calls. Three or four women a week call me to say they are sitting in a puddle of tears, surrounded by crumpled tissues. They ask, “Is this okay? Is there anyone else feeling this way?” Oh, my goodness, yes...most everyone! The problem is that we’re all sitting in our houses, alone and apart.

Our support network of coworkers is gone (and I thought I hated to go to work!), our husbands are at work (so mad at him going to work!), the house needs cleaning (isn’t that what I’m supposed to be doing to justify staying at home?), the laundry is piling up (who knew babies could generate so much!), and people keep visiting and visiting (expecting me to make tea as they dole out their unsolicited advice.)

I’m tired and anxious just reading what I wrote!

When my daughter was born, I was fortunate enough to have a mum who lived only a block away. She would come by each morning, ironed laundry in hand, ready to clean my house, prepare the meals, and leave. I can’t believe that she didn’t say anything about what I should be doing, how I should be holding the baby, what she wanted... She would just kiss me and leave. Wow! That actually sounds like the best postpartum doula (which we all need and deserve!) But I still needed help.

Then, an amazing woman forced me to attend a mum’s postpartum support group. “It’s Wednesday at 10am...be there, clothed or not!” Once there, my daughter promptly threw up all over me. If I’d been at home, I would probably have cried over the loss of the milk that I’d worked so hard to get into her little body. But, surrounded by all the women, who were reaching out to me with towels, blankets, and tissues...I just had to laugh. That day, I sat next to the woman who would become my best friend. We have had lots of tea and tears and walks since that day almost 23 years ago.

Only yesterday, she said, “I wouldn’t have made it through these years without you. I wouldn’t have stopped in the middle of the day, and taken time for myself without your encouragement. I wouldn’t have sat down and read a book during my baby’s nap time, without you phoning me and telling me to SIT DOWN. I felt I had to account for every moment that I wasn’t out working or cleaning the house, or preparing meals for the family.”

Where did this mother-guilt come from?

Maybe I’m just a lazy thing, but I believe we need to be guilt-free about giving time to ourselves as mothers. We need to set firm boundaries with our extended families, to selfishly protect our new family of three. We need to allow ourselves to take a nap, stop for tea, read a good book, take a slow walk, buy ourselves a treat. We need to listen to our bodies and our wisdom, and honour our intellect and our intuition.

We need to ask for help from the community of women around us. We need to open our doors and gather...so we can sit in one big puddle of tears and laughter...together.

"To sleep/Perchance to dream"

I love the drive from a client’s house to the hospital. I’m following my clients, watching the labouring woman’s hand reach up to the roof of the car during each contraction. For me, it’s an in-between time of quiet watchfulness, similar to that “out of time” feeling I remember while feeding a baby in the middle of the night.

Last night, we had a long drive from Surrey to Burnaby General. So, I turned on the radio to CBC Ideas and heard an amazing piece by Jeff Warren called "While You Were Out" about the changes in sleep patterns over the last three hundred years.

References to “first sleep” are present in Renaissance and pre-industrial writings. Only now are researchers discovering that our biological sleep pattern has two main cycles, “first sleep” and “second sleep,” with a two hour intermediary trance-like period, “the watch.”

After sunset, the family would head to the communal sleep space. There would be a quiet period of 1-2 hours rest in the dark, followed by “first sleep,” a deep rejuvenating state. This long wave sleep state would increase the levels of prolactin (ah, the breastfeeding hormone!) After 4-5 hours, people would enter an altered state of consciousness, induced by these high prolactin levels. Any breastfeeding mum knows the timeless trancelike effect produced by high prolactin levels - patient, waiting. In this period, people would traditionally pray, muse on the day’s events, or quietly make love, while listening to the natural sounds around them. Later, “second sleep” would come, full of REM sleep and dreams. They would all wake at sunrise.

This sounds so much like a typical night with a new baby. Hmmm... Rather than seeing the postpartum sleep pattern as unnatural, perhaps we should see this as our return to our natural biological state. Sleeping alone in a room devoid of sensory input seems to be an unnatural state for humans. Our North American need to mold our babies into beings who can sleep alone for long uninterrupted periods is, in fact, altering the delicate hormonal and chemical balance in our bodies.

So, have a quick read of the article, “The Cultural Biology of Sleep,” before delving into Carol Worthman’s research papers, which include “The Ecology of Human Sleep.” You may find some food for thought during “the watch.”